Hello Reader! And possibly confused Giannis Antetokounmpo fans!
It is time for Hannah to take four dudes to Greece and possibly to PoundTown. Last week Hannah was unable to say goodbye to one of her final four guys. So this episode maintains the narrative structure (four segments) that is very easy to divide up if you–hypothetically–had a roommate in law school who is also obsessed with posting their thoughts about this show on the internet.
Victor in navy blue is going to take the lead on Pilot Peter and Lunatic Luke P. George (in black) gets debater-cum-smokeshow Tyler C and cheater-cum-mediocre-singer Jed. And I assume at the end one of us will tweet that these four should just go back to their countries of origin. On closer examination – every single one of these final four are white men – and that insult clearly can’t be lobbed at white men, who were definitely living in this country first and definitely didn’t just steal this country’s land from other people already living on it. Right?
But first, Hannah welcomes us to Crete where the water is magical and there is a tornado warning there. Wait, shit, that is the Eyewitness News meteorologist fucking up my show. We have a weather situation. I am glad Victor is watching and ready to step in and let me know whether Hannah thinks Crete is a romantic place to fall in love.
Also, I realize this will look bad if I died in a tornado before you are reading this, but I find the local news breaking in for weather to be dumb and wasteful. In my mind the meteorologists just wait around for an excuse to bust in and ruin everyone’s TV show because there are reports of funnel clouds in Bumbledick County or whatever. “All eyes on me now, motherfuckers! You wanted to watch a soccer game? Well you can’t, because golfball-sized hail is possible in Turdville until 5:45 pm! I went to meteorology school so you are out of luck! You are going to watch me in front of a radar graphic from 1983. See this red? It means you better get away from the windows if you live in the Curlytail River Valley. There’s a storm coming your way!” I mean, they don’t break into cable shows, just network ones. And the network breaks in if there is weather anywhere in their broadcast area. But the cable company actually knows where you actually live and if some guy on TV telling you about weather would really save lives they’d probably use that functionality instead of just writing off everyone who is watching cable. “Oh, you decided to watch the Hills: New Beginnings? You’ll have to rely on the sirens and maybe a warning from your cell phone or a cow flying through your picture window.” Jeez, am I still talking about this weather thing? I have a problem.
Well, given that you’ve already written 500 words and we haven’t even gotten to the episode portion of the recap – I’ll say that we definitely have big problems. Fortunately, our server host doesn’t charge us by the word, I just wish they charged us by our traffic. Hannah Beast broke with tradition and took four men (or maybe 1 man, 2 cheaters, and 1 misogynist douchecanoe) to the fantasy suite episode. That’s a lot of potential pipe laying in a week, but I’m confident that our heroine can handle it. She’s for sure excited about because she made a song about it in the intro – Jed’s already pissed because he didn’t get a cameo in Hannah’s song about the fantasy suites. Don’t worry all you fans of cheatin’ country singers and aspiring strippers, there’s more Jed in this episode.
Peter is number one for takeoff in fantasy suite week, and his tray tables, seatbacks (and other parts) are in their full upright position. But before Peter’s turn in the fantasy suite takes flight, we have to deal with this matter of Calee Lutes, whose account of Peter ditching their five month relationship to be on the show hit the interwebs this morning. In one sense, this wasn’t as bad as L’Affaire Jed – as Peter had broken off the relationship a few months before filming; but in another sense, it was worse, because while Jed’s ex was fully complicit in Jed going on the show, Peter’s ex was not. (And then there was the issue of Peter allegedly cheating on Calee while they were dating). All in all, bad optics for Peter but great news if you’re hoping for our first Blachelor!
Peter Fantasy Suite Date
Hannah describes Peter as a nice guy whose relationship with her has been slow-moving. The Peter who made out with Hannah in the Latvian sauna and the pool table might disagree, but that Peter is too busy trying to earn his fantasy suite wings to care.
Peter and Hannah finds themselves on a sailboat in Crete, and they do that Titanic thing that every Bachelor couple does on a date involving a nautical transport. Peter tells Hannah that the a pic of Hannah against the Cretan waters will be his phone background forever. Peter does not tell Hannah that his current phone background looks like this:
While there’s some conversation going on, this daytime date was mostly a huge makeout sesh for these two while a deck hand laughed at these dumb Americans and tried his best to keep the boat afloat.
The night portion of the date took place in Agios Nikolaos, a coastal town in Crete, and Peter is still out here talking about his passion for flying to Hannah: “You know how much I love flying…” I half expected the next thing to come out of Peter’s mouth to be “… I love flying much more than I love you.” But alas, it was something sappy about how great it was to be flying with Hannah. He says that in past relationships, he felt the need to be perfect and wasn’t himself – but that with Hannah, he can be his true self, and that Hannah inspires, challenges, and push him. Let me just say that, in the moment, it’s hard to tell whether these sentiments are genuine or if they’re just lines. And Peter might not even know, because the next thing that he blurts out is that he’s in love with Hannah. Hannah is overjoyed and starts making out with Peter again, she nearly splits her dress in reaching for the fantasy suite card, and these two are off to the races.
Good news that Peter “wasn’t himself” in his past relationships, because ghosting the woman he “loved” and scrubbing her from his social media right as a producer for this show friended him is… imperfect.
We didn’t have to wait long in this episode to solve the mystery of who got the Windmill fantasy suite and took Hannah to poundtown – it was Pilot Pete! The two held hands and walked to a – if we’re being honest here – a very claustrophobic and dingy room inside the windmill. They fumble around and find a condom in a box in the hotel that some PA obviously planted there. Pete’s laughing, but not really embarrassed about it, because he’s getting ready to use the condom. I just hope the PA planted two condoms there.
Next morning opens up with Hannah (sans makeup) and Peter on the bed after doing it twice – and they look great. Peter says that last night was the best night of my life – and I immediately feel bad for all of his ex girlfriends. Hannah also confirms that she had a good night – but I worry that these two still don’t know too much about each other, other than that Pete loves safe flying and safe sex.
Hannah referred to Peter as Zeus and herself as Aphrodite. There seem to be two origin stories for Aphrodite but one of them is that she is Zeus’s daughter. But whatever, these two aren’t on TV because they have really sexy Classics degrees. Let’s go with the other one: “In Hesiod’s Theogony, Aphrodite is born off the coast of Cythera from the foam produced by Uranus’s genitals, which his son Cronus has severed and thrown into the sea.”
Tyler C Fantasy Suite Date
Tyler C is “so excited to see my girl.” He’s talking proposal in the ITMs and Hannah is talking spa day. It appears this date is in the Porto Elounda resort complex. Rooms seem to run in the 500-dollar to 3000-dollar range. The top of that range is for a suite. Hannah and Tyler apparently have good physical chemistry and I guess we will just double check that in the Porto Elounda spa. Hannah refers to Tyler as a “Greek god of a man” so I guess that’s her second Greek god of the week. Tyler, notably, is from Jupiter, a city named after a Roman god. I guess that is not notable. Never mind!
They talk a little about Tyler’s family while some spa attendants massage them and begin a process of body wrapping. But Tyler surreptitiously waves away the attendants and takes over massaging Hannah. Hannah is aware of the change but I guess Tyler is the Greek god of massage so it’s cool. We get an ITM with Hannah noting their high level of physical chemistry for anyone who can’t see that, perhaps because their TV screen burst into flames from the heat of this massage.
I asked Stephanie at this point how my massages compare to Tyler’s and she laughed – I’m guessing that means that mine are so good that it’s funny to her that I even thought that it merited a comparison to Tyler’s.
Tyler wears a salmon blazer to dinner that is maybe not a super good idea for this very important date. Hannah informs Tyler that he could do well as a topless masseuse. Yes, that is an option that is on the table (see what we did there?) if General Contracting doesn’t work out, at least during the Pro Debate Tour offseason. Hannah tells Tyler that she is a little overwhelmed by her physical attraction to him, but that a physical connection is not enough. She tells Tyler “I don’t want to go into the fantasy suite and have sex because I don’t think that is what our relationship needs.” I think the reaction on Tyler’s face is indicative of a person who, unlike Hannah, did not recently have sex. But Tyler rallies like he did after the first two interceptions against FSU and tells Hannah he wants to still be with her and he is still falling for her and he seems to be arguing for a no-sex sexy suite. I assume this happens a fair amount but rarely is it agreed to beforehand. Tyler C and Hannah start kissing and I guess Tyler is the actual best because he is going into the fantasy suite (which is a smallish houseboat) with a woman who says “he celebrates my boundaries.” The only thing missing was someone to say “if the boat is a rockin’… you can totally come a knockin’. It is just the waves. Because we are on a boat. We’re just talking in here.”
This is another terrible setting for a fantasy suite. I’m guessing no one told Tyler that he should pack Scopolamine patches for his fantasy suite. I definitely would have spent half that fantasy suite in the bathroom judging by the waves and the size of the boat. I think we know which fantasy suite was thrown together by the advance producer in Greece in a day when they received the “oh crap, we are having FOUR dates” text after the hometowns rose ceremony.
In the morning Hannah and Tyler have a ridiculously picturesque view for their boat breakfast. Tyler says “I want you to be the last person I wake up to. Forever.” Hannah says she appreciates Tyler respecting her boundaries but also that it was pretty sexy. Tyler said “it was one of the best nights of my life. This is love.” Hannah described her evening with Tyler as “we would make out and he would stop and just hold me and be like ‘this is the best night ever.’” She adds “he was the most respectful a man has ever been with me. Ever.” I assume the line to audition to date the next Bachelor will be a long one if Hannah lets Tyler get away.
Half of NYC is already in that line…
Jed Fantasy Suite Date
Jed is meeting Hannah in Vrachasi, Crete. Jed was “angry” the last time he saw Hannah because she was not able to choose between him and Luke P. I mean, Jed already chose Hannah over his secret girlfriend back home, why can’t Hannah choose him?
Hannah says Greece is known for food, sunshine, and time spent with family. “And windmills” adds Pilot Peter. I mean, now it is. But Hannah thinks that by line dancing with a Greek family they are experiencing the real Greece. So that’s what they will do!
Hannah awkwardly tries to explain the show to a Greek family between dances, and it is not easy. She gives it her best and Jed uncomfortably listens in as Hannah explains that she might marry Jed or she might marry one of her other three boyfriends. Jed steps in when a Greek lady tells Hannah she will know who to marry “from her first look.” Umm… her first look landed heavily on Luke P, and that dude is basically a minotaur (I don’t have a lot of Crete references).
Jed pulls Hannah away from this family-that-asks-a-lot-of-questions and wants to talk about Luke P. Hannah shouldn’t have to defend herself to Jed but the effort seems to be bothering her, in part because she can’t really defend Luke P with her brain. She likes him and knows he is awful and still likes him. Jed finally bails out after upsetting Hannah and they hug. But the issue isn’t dead.
At dinner Hannah is dressed very formally and Jed is less formal. Hannah says “cheers to being able to be honest and share our feelings even when its hard… and also just having a fun day in a culture with new friends and family.” That toast started strong and ended less strong. Also, Jed must have been wondering during much of the season whether Haley had outed him. Because “being able to be honest” is not something that really characterizes Jed’s time on this show and there’s a lady running around Nashville with a phone full of proof.
But Hannah is fixated on a different third party in her relationship with Jed. Hannah tells Jed she knows how he feels re: Luke and she thanks Jed for bringing it up. Jed thanks Hannah back. Hannah says “we good?” Jed misses his cue and says that Luke P still being on the show makes Jed “feel worried that [she has] a hard time letting go of things that are bad in her life.” Hannah tells Jed to trust her and then gets up and walks away. The camera person gave us a very shaky pursuit angle and we see Hannah pacing and frustrated while Jed tries to comfort her. Maybe instead of doing that he could have just not pissed her off?
Jed pulls himself out of the fire that he set and Hannah returns to the table and lets Jed talk her back into Jed. Hannah’s frustration is not with Jed, her condescending cheater of a boyfriend, but with Luke P and her own inability to cut him loose. Jed reminds Hannah that he is in love with her and also that she is beautiful and Hannah is like “whatever, we can still go to the fantasy suite.” They do indeed choose to forego their individual rooms to stay as a couple in what appears to be one of those fancy 3000-dollar-a-night villas at the Porto Elounda. This suite is in the same resort where Tyler is a VERY in-demand masseuse now.
In the morning Jed refers to this as “the best sleepover ever” and says “we didn’t sleep a wink.” Cool. Hannah seems smitten with Jed too, and that is bad news for love but good news for people who hate Luke P.
At this point, my jaw is on the floor. Not because Jed veered out of his lane during a fantasy suite date to talk about another dude, but because we went through a fantasy suite date with Jed that involved zero guitars. Was there luggage restriction against guitar bags in Greece? How is Jed able to conduct his SUPER IMPORTANT MUSIC CAREER without practicing for one whole week? I mean, when is he going to find the time to write his FOURTH song on Spotify?
Fantasy Suite Date
The producers have teased us for four weeks with cuts from this particular date and, let me just say, the payoff was worth it. But before Luke goes all Salt-N-Pepa on Hannah, we gotta get through a day in Santorini.
Just like the opening notes of this Yanni classic, this date gets off to a soaring start as Hannah and Luke depart for Santorini in a helicopter. These two look genuinely overwhelmed with excitement as they take in some beautiful aqua vistas before landing in Santorini. They walk through, marvel, and make out in postcard settings. Hannah exclaims that Luke is the best kisser and gosh “I don’t know what his church is teaching him!” Umm? How to be a manipulative gaslighter?
Certainly not Leviticus 19:28, because Luke has a tattoo. A WWJD tattoo. This is inconvenient if you are the kind of person that doesn’t think Jesus would be a huge asshole to Hannah.
Luke pierces Hannah with his eyes and tells her that “I see my future wife” and that it doesn’t even matter that they’re surrounded by this beautiful setting, being with Hannah is what he wants. You would almost be fooled by this daytime date that Luke is not a narcissist. Fear not – we have the nighttime date.
As a literal and metaphorical storm surrounds the setting for their “dinner,” Luke opens by telling Hannah that “I want things the way I want it.” This seems like a very unproblematic sentiment – one of my favorite songs of all time is about that very sentiment – but it goes downhill from there:
Luke relates that he, like Hannah, is the “spiritual leader” of his household – whatever that means – and it’s hard. Considering what he’s about to do, I hope Luke’s household is reconsidering its leadership structure. Luke knows that both he and Hannah are not virgins, but that he’s been abstaining from sex for about three-and-a-half years by now, and he wants him and Hannah to be on the same page as far as morals go. He explains something about how great sex is, albeit within the marriage context (would love to hear his thoughts on Kennedy’s opinion in Obergefell but on second thought maybe not), and something about the purity of the marriage bed. He then tells Hannah that he’s pretty sure they’re on the same page, but he wants to hear it from her, because if she’s had sex with “one or more” of the guys on this journey, he would want to go home.
Hannah’s face turned entirely while Luke was talking and Luke either didn’t pick up on it or just didn’t care at all. After taking a moment to collect herself, Hannah tells Luke that she’s had sex with 2 people in her life (presumably this does not include Peter and Jed, but it doesn’t really matter because she could have had sex with 200 – it’s her life) but she disagrees with a lot of what Luke has said. At this point, Luke ACTUALLY ASKS WHETHER HE CAN CUT HANNAH OFF FOR A SECOND. What in the actual F is this?
Hannah is on a roll and she basically tells Luke to STFU – “you’re not my husband, you have no right to judge me. You view sex as a sin, but pride is also a sin, and this is a pride thing.” Luke is slowly watching his vision of how this conversation would go evaporate before his eyes, and tries to backpedal by saying that “I’m willing to work through this.” And Hannah has heard enough: “I’m a grown woman and I can make my own decisions.”
Luke then tries to backpedal some more by saying that he would be okay if she slept with one of them, but all of them? Then he’s out of here. Hannah is thinking “Good! Get to stepping” but she has saved some more words for Luke: “Your words are not okay. You were the closest I felt to love at first sight, but you’ve already broken my heart. You are holding me to a standard that you don’t hold yourself to. You expect perfection from your partner and sex is an imperfection to you; well, I expect my husband to get along with other people and not be prideful, and I could have x’d you for any number of reasons, but I didn’t.”
Luke tries to backpedal some more, but as he’s backpedalling, his foot keeps going in his mouth. He’s talking about Hannah “slipping up.” And Hannah brings the Almighty into the conversation: “I have God in my heart, I have cried, I have struggled, I’ve prayed for clarity, and I’ve finally gotten clarity on you – I don’t want you to be my husband.”
His reaction to this was a little scary. Hannah said “can I walk you out?” which is frankly more than he deserved. And when Luke didn’t move she said “come on, it’s over, come on” which is STILL more than he deserved. With cameras all around him in a foreign country Luke stayed in place and refused to leave Hannah’s company when asked nicely and then not nicely. What is Luke like when the cameras are off? Don’t date Luke is I guess what I would say. He seems awful.
Luke’s apparently thinking real carefully about what to say next, but what comes next out of his mouth is amazing, “Do you think you owe me just a few minutes to share my thoughts?” If I were Hannah, this is the moment where I would have said “bye Felicia” and walked back to the fantasy suite by myself so I can read some classic Right Reasons Roundtable from Rachel’s season. That was a good season for us. Not like the schlock we’ve been serving up lately…
Hannah is in disbelief and tells Luke, rightfully, that she doesn’t owe him anything because she’s bent over backwards for him the entire season. Then Luke uttered the line that epitomized his character: “I don’t care that you’ve said that you’ve gotten clarity, because I feel like you don’t.” Yes Luke, confirming that you don’t find someone’s feelings to be valid is a great way to get back in their good graces. Luke continues “Something in my heart is refusing to go into that van.” So Hannah finally pulls out the big guns, “Let me tell you something that will make you go into the van – I’ve had sex here – I fucked in a windmill” And then in an ITM, “it was so good, we did it twice.” And off goes Luke in the limo, and America breaks out in applause.
Sadly for Hannah, she’s still dealing with some bullshit from the idiot that she dumped in a rainstorm a month ago. An idiot whose final request of the episode to Hannah was “can I pray over you before I leave?” She declined.
i have never said that i find my sin funny. i’m not going to lectured on appropriate emotional responses by a guy who threw deli meat in a guys lap. https://t.co/hc8lsPUUA8
— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 16, 2019
Let me share a couple of thoughts on this: It’s perfectly fine for Luke to have these expectations for what he wants in a partner – we all have preferences – weird, idiosyncratic, whatever – for someone we spend the rest of our lives with. What is DEFINITELY NOT OKAY is to go on this show where the lead is expected to take three people to fantasy suites, and still convey these expectations to the lead in a way that imparts moral judgment. And it is positively DERANGED to do that if: (1) you were a giant A-hole the entire season; (2) you dismiss the lead’s feelings during the conversation; and (3) you complain about being “misunderstood” when you’re the one who’s spitting out nonsense. And to this atheist, cloaking these feelings in a religious context does a great disservice to genuinely religious folk who don’t emotionally abuse others in the name of religious morality.
Hey man, settle down. It isn’t like he broke into a live broadcast to inform us of severe weather or something…
Looks like we have to wait a week for the rose ceremony. But the preview suggests all four of this week’s contestants are going to be there. Following that will be what I assume is a very Luke-centric Men Tell All and then a finale in two weeks. Any last thoughts on Luke, Ms. Brown?
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 16, 2019