Hannah Brown Episode 9 – HOMETOWNS!!!

I say it every year, Hometowns is the best episode of the season to recap.

We’re at the part of the Bachelor franchise arc where the viewers’ familiarity with the show’s format is just such a given that Hannah is standing in a field in Westlake Village, California with nary an explanation of how she got there from where she was last seen – traipsing around with seven dudes in Holland. Last week, the Dutch were pleasant hosts to this circus of an American dating show, and these Americans apparently departed the country without even bidding it an appropriate farewell – leaving the Netherlands with only this bitter memory of America…

What ungracious (but awesome!!) guests right?? I think I’d rather recap the World Cup (not to be confused with the Men’s World Cup, which isn’t for three years). Or maybe Ashlyn Harris can give us a quick summary?

Peter the Pilot Hometown in Westlake Village, California

Hannah is in Westlake Village for her hometown date with Peter the pilot. Peter tells Hannah that he has a surprise for her. I’m going to give you one guess as to what the pilot has up his sleeve. I’ll even give you a hint – it starts with a P and ends with the thing from which Luke has been consistently straying all season. And if you guessed Pfacts – you’ve definitely been paying attention to some of the season. 

Peter pulls an obvious flex on the way to the hangar, by showing off (his?) black BMW. Pretty sure it is a Mercedes. Fun fact: the Mercedes logo is a three-pointed star meant to symbolize that they build products for land, sea, and air. Less-fun fact: during WWII they built a lot of those products for the Nazis using prisoners of war and concentration camp inmates as forced labor. Shows you how much I know about cars. True story, while shopping for a car a year ago, the salesperson asked me what trim I was interested in, and I asked him, “Trim? Do you mean what color?” He (and Stephanie) were not impressed with my answer.

Peter’s fancy ride is great idea in conception, but not in contraception (see what I did there?). Hannah digs around the car’s center console and finds a condom there. Hannah asks Peter what he thought was going to happen in this car, and Peter hems and stammers, and it’s all cute fun. Peter probably forgot it was there (or it had been planted there by the producers), because I know the manufacturer’s directions do not advise you to store it inside a hot car – amirite Trojan?

 

I get how Peter felt a bit awkward about the whole situation. Stephanie and I got our marriage license in a rural county in Texas (in the early aughts). And at that time, those rural county clerks looked you up and down to make sure you are an appropriately-gendered couple and handed you a stack of pamphlets about sex – probably thinking that the first time you’ve ever contemplated having sex is after getting your marriage license. These pamphlets included some classics on the HIV virus and how to prevent the transmission of STDs. I stuck those pamphlets in the window compartment of our Prius and totally forgot about them. Because I had actually lived – at that time – in a city where I didn’t need a car, I left the Prius for my mom to use, equipped with those HIV and STD pamphlets. Ooops.

My mom was probably more surprised at discovering the STD pamphlets than Hannah was to find out that Peter had driven her to an airplane hangar. We’re totally going up to the friendly skies around LA! Peter takes Hannah up in the two-seater over the Bachelor mansion and over his parents’ house. I looked up how much it costs to buy a 1750 square foot family home in Westlake Village, and it seems that the pilot-flight attendant lifestyle has been good to the Webers. Peter talks more about how much he loves flying and it’s all getting a bit repetitive. Between the Beamer Benzo sports car and the two person plane joyride, this is not a date that will win AOC’s approval. But Pete isn’t after AOC’s heart, he’s after Hannah Brown’s!

Hannah arrives at Pete’s family’s home and meets his dad (also Pete, so does that mean Pete the pilot should be Re-Pete for purposes of this recap?), his mom (Barbara) and his brother (Jack). We find out that Peter knows Spanish because Barbara whipped up some Cuban food and said some things in Spanish during the dinner. Not being a Spanish speaker, this recapper was looking like Cory during those moments:

At one point she definitely said “que viva el amor” which either means “long live the love” or “you are never going to be President, Beto.” My Spanish is a little rusty. 

The Webers hold hands and burst out in a German song/prayer before dinner about how happy they are about the food. In the family one-on-one conversations, we find out that Re-Pete (the son) is all in on Hannah but hasn’t told her “I love you” yet. Barbara is in desperate need of a daughter” and Pete gets super emotional when thinking about what the future may hold for Re-Pete. This seems like a fun family to chop it up with on a weird show like this. 

After Re-Pete and Hannah say good bye to Re-Pete’s family – they talk but Re-Pete chickens out of saying “I love you” to Hannah. Will that cost him a trip to the fantasy suites? Since I’m pretty sure Re-Pete (and Hannah) have been thinking about the sauna the last few weeks, I’m going to guess that Re-Pete is probably still on the flight manifest for the trip to the FS. 

At this point anyone who doesn’t say they are falling in love or in love at hometowns is making A Choice but I agree. The physical chemistry with Peter is palpable, and it is just weird to send him home before she gets a chance to kick the tires on Peter. 

Tyler the Creator Debater Hometown in Jupiter, Florida

We go from one coast to another as the viewers are transported to Jupiter, Florida – home to Bob Kraft’s favorite massage parlor – for Hannah’s date with everyone’s favorite eye candy, Tyler Cameron – who is definitely a better debater than he is a quarterback. Tyler tells Hannah that they will be checking out the town via boat and that he’s a better boater than he is a horserider. Tyler C says this like a guy who doesn’t realize his girlfriend just got back from a date with a guy who drove her in his Mercedes to his plane and then flew her around. Hannah is very excited, but mostly because she knows that she will be doing more than shifting around in a circle for 90 minutes.

The two apply sunscreen to each other and Tyler looks like he has not missed ab day … ever. They ride around in a boat (named “Reel Clean”), go for a dip and a makeout sesh, and check out the pre-recession house in which Tyler grew up. Tyler mentioned that his family got wrecked financially by the recession and that led to his parents’ divorce and downsizing. I was fully expecting the two of them to stroll up to some 2 bedroom apartment for the night portion. But then, they rolled up to a house that was even nicer than the Weber house! This is either some ABC frauding or Cory is really onto something about the damning effects of the wealth gap (this post is not sponsored by the Booker campaign – he’s not even my preferred candidate). 

Tyler C also takes Hannah to check out a jam band that is two white guys with guitars and dreadlocks. It is notable that the producers are asking Tyler C to surprise a date with a semi-private concert. I have this strange feeling… like… maybe I co-write a blog about a show where the lead has to do that a lot? Huh. 

Tyler has a really sweet moment with his dad Jeff, who was still recovering from a health scare that wrecked his vocal chords. I thought it was cute that Tyler C’s dad calls him “buddy” and calls Hannah “Ms. Hannah B.” It was good to see the entire family, including Tyler’s mom Andrea, come together (even after divorce) in support of Tyler. Jeff can see that Tyler might be in love, and he gets emotional about that, because Tyler really hasn’t had many girlfriends. Real missed opportunity by the ACC debate ladies. Jeff and Tyler’s brothers tell Hannah that Tyler is absolutely ready for an engagement, and that the family will provide all the support they can to their relationship. 

As Tyler and Hannah wrap up the night, Tyler tells Hannah that he’s “falling in love” with her and then take Hannah into the production van for an extra makeout sesh. Whether Tyler will get an invite to a FS is no longer up for debate – he’s in!

This hometown is a huge win for Tyler – pretty much the opposite of the Florida State game. Given that Luke and Jed are basically out as Bachelor candidates based on their edits, it seems like the franchise is leaving both Tyler and Peter (and Mike to a lesser extent) as candidates this season. 

Luke Parker (Who Won’t Stay in his Lane) Hometown in Gainesville, Georgia

It is time to travel to Gainesville, Georgia. Gainesville is the former home of Deshaun Watson of the Houston Texans and James Longstreet of the Confederate Army. Not at the same time. Oh, also Luke Parker is from there. Luke P has had quite a season. He probably holds a record for receiving the last rose in the most rose ceremonies, and he is just despised by the rest of the guys on the show. Hannah, being very diplomatic, calls Luke “complex.” She compares Luke P to a jigsaw puzzle, saying she has the corners and is trying to fill in the rest. I like jigsaw puzzles a lot, and never once have I thought “I bet Miss Alabama really likes these too!”

Luke P meets Hannah and tells her he is bringing her to “something I do on a weekly basis.” They are putting out the recycling! Wait, they are staying up late to write about the Bachelorette! Oh, no, those are things I do on a weekly basis. They are going to Curt’s Cafeteria for Adult Sunday School. 

I think a good 20-30 people were on hand with their Bibles and none of Curt’s food. It appears Curt’s closes at 2:00pm on weekdays which may explain why no one else is at this restaurant while Luke P talks to a big table full of people about his faith journey. It is notable that Wikipedia says Gainesville is 54% white  but the Curt’s Cafeteria congregation appears to be 100% white. This is entirely consistent with the American Christianity experience. 

Luke P says in high school he was experimenting with partying and drinking and “chasing sex” and “entangled and caught up in sin of all kinds” (“all kinds” is pretty broad). He also tells the shower story again. Luke P was in the shower when God told Luke P to “let go and follow me” and Luke P looked up and saw heaven. If this happened to me I would assume I was dying, but Luke P is not me and somehow his takeaway was “I should stop fucking.”

I’m guessing it’s not the first, second, or third time he’s told this story. I’d expect it to get better with each retelling. I played pickup basketball against the Duke women’s basketball team in Cameron Indoor Stadium once. What actually happened was that I accidentally got one rebound and missed every shot I took. By the fifth time I told the story in my twenties, I was basically Diana Taurasi. 

After telling this to 30 people in a restaurant, Luke P called Hannah up to the front of the room. This sounds like an inconsiderate thing to do to your girlfriend, but maybe a hint about Luke P and Hannah’s continued relationship is Hannah’s apparent comfort in this environment. Seeing Luke P in this restaurant is probably his best look. Luke P seems genuinely comfortable with the people with whom he is sharing his faith journey. And Hannah seems equally comfortable there. 

A bunch of congregants take turns describing a Luke P we have not met (and he sounds kinda great). This could not be going better for Luke P. And then when it is time to leave everyone in the restaurant takes a knee with a hand on Luke P and Hannah and they all pray for them. 

While we have probably seen Luke P at his best, he still has to bring Hannah to meet his family. Luke P’s mom Elizabeth and grandma and great grandma are there, as are Luke P’s dad Mike, brother also named Mike, and sister-in-law named Hannah. The names on this date will be a recapping challenge. 

Luke P and Hannah B tell the gathered Parkers about the few ups and many downs in their relationship and how all the guys hated Luke. This seems awkward to me but I am not Hannah or Luke P, who seem pretty comfortable with it. The central conflict of the season seems to be whether one of the guys will be enough like Luke P to connect with Hannah or Luke P will learn to be enough like the other guys to not sabotage this relationship that seems meant to be. 

Luke’s family seems to be worried that Luke P won’t be up for that challenge. Luke P’s grandpa says they told Luke to “be Luke” and it sounds like he was not. Then he says “so why is he here?” It is played for laughs, as is when sister-in-law Hannah says to Hannah B “thank you for putting up with him.” Luke’s dad Mike tells Luke that “if she’s worth it to you” Luke P should “thank the Lord” because “her heart is softened to you, and that is a gift we could never deserve.” The Parkers are pretty surprised that their fuckup of a son has gone to California and came back with Miss Alabama. Hannah B asks Luke P’s father Mike if Luke P would be ready for an engagement and Mike is like “I think there’s no doubt.”

Luke P’s mom Elizabeth tells Luke P that he needs to be genuine with Hannah. My sense is that genuine Luke P is pretty awful a lot of the time. But we get a nice moment when Luke P tells his mom that he loves Hannah and then they both seem shocked and emotional. 

Luke P and Hannah sit on the porch of the Parker house and Luke P apologizes for “the struggles” he has caused. Luke P says he “sees a future with” Hannah and “I do love you.” Hannah’s response is to kiss Luke P and Amy’s is to say “why Hannah? Eww… really? Really? REALLY?”

Hannah feels “confident in” Luke P and tells him not to screw up. Hannah says she is falling in love with Luke P, though notably she did not tell Luke P this. 

Jed Wyatt the Wrong Reasons Aspiring Musician Hometown in Knoxville, Tennessee

We travel to Knoxville, home of the sunsphere/wigsphere. 

Jed welcomes Hannah to “the town that made me who I am.” I assume the city mothers and fathers of Knoxville are really excited to get the blame for this one. Jed takes Hannah to visit Knoxville’s many gorgeous tourist attractions. Just kidding, he takes her to a recording studio because he is trying to use his exposure to sing on TV as much as possible. Jed grabs a guitar and he is going to write a song with Hannah like he is Richard Marx on a much better date from Becca K’s season.

Hannah really got screwed here. Becca Kufrin got Richard Marx; Trump-loving Andi Dorfman got Boyz II Men; Nick Viall got the Backstreet Boys; and Hannah got Jed Wyatt. In fairness to Jed, he told Hannah that he came on the show for “the platform” so I guess her willingness to keep advancing Jed’s music career is kind of on her too. Of course if Jed had told her about Haley waiting for him on the dock, maybe things would have gone differently. Hannah and Jed record a song they “just wrote” and Jed does all of the singing and he seems like an okay singer and I suspect she will never hear this song again unless the stadium sound person at Auburn is a jerk when they host Alabama. 

Jed says “do you ever just feel like your heart is coming out of your chest because you have to say something and you can’t do it?” Jed immediately says “I have a girlfriend back home Hannah, I love you.” See Jed! You could do it! You big fraud. 

We meet the Wyatt family and Jed’s dad does the “jump straddle” into his son’s arms. I like that Jed’s dad has seen the show before but it really calls into question Jed’s earlier claim that he was not very familiar with the show when he came on for the wrong reasons. I mean, his dad is making Bachelor-specific jokes. I wonder if Jed told his parents that he was planning to go on the show to advance his music career and then come home to his girlfriend. The whole Wyatt Family could be in on this!

Jed introduces his sister Lily, his mom Gina, his dad Jerry, and his grandparents. There is another table of people that we do not meet at all. It’s too bad because I spied the only person of color in the entire episode at that other table. Maybe they are there for Haley’s hometown date? Hannah’s mom gives a toast to “trusting your gut and intuition every day” and that’s… weird? She also said in her toast that “when you stick to your truth, it benefits everybody,” She’s straight up slaying Jed without him knowing it – and I’m here for this kind of mom – and so’s Hannah.

Jed’s dad Jerry has good hair and bad facial hair. Jed tells Jerry he started falling love with Hannah, and Jerry asks Jed “how he sees his career going.” I realize we are seeing the edit the show put out after Jed’s girlfriend outed him as a cheater, but it is weird how much the whole family seems to care about Jed’s career. 

Hannah tells Jed’s mom Gina that she told Jed she was falling in love with him and Gina asks Hannah if Hannah said that to everyone. Hannah says she has only said it to Jed. She also said it about Luke P, but not to Luke P. Gina says Jed “lived his life” whatever that means and Hannah asks if Jed is ready to get married. Gina is like “he is a musician, you don’t get a diploma to be a musician.” You can, kind of, but I think I see Gina’s point. Though I bet one thing that would help Jed’s music career is if he got married on a TV show. Or at least didn’t get outed as a fame-chasing dating-show cheater. Oh well. 

Hannah asks sister Lily if she is worried about Jed’s career not having taken off. Lily says she’s not sure it is a good thing that Hannah and Jed are together. I could use more Lily because she is definitely not here to make friends. Jed has the hometown with the family who is NOT ON BOARD. Perhaps because they know Jed? Or that they know Haley?

Gina says she wants Jed to be happy. She thinks Jed is “in a good place.” She says “all the things we do for love” and then throws a small boy out of a high window. Just kidding. But I am going to tense up every time I hear that phrase from now until forever, right Bran? 

Hannah says she did not get what she wanted, which I guess was for Jed’s family to seem to want their son to marry her. The edit isn’t the clearest but Jed seemed like a lock for the fantasy suites until the Wyatt Family’s cold reception and I suppose the shockingly good Luke P hometown. 

Rose Ceremony

There are 22 minutes left in the episode, which is a lot of time to give out three flowers and say goodbye to… you know, I really don’t know who is going home. Neither does Hannah, who says the rose ceremony is “an impossible situation” because she is “there” with each guy. We see each guy getting ready for the ceremony back in LA and I guess we are doing the ceremony back at the mansion. All of the guys are waiting inside as Hannah comes in to see… Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison asks about hometowns and Hannah says “how do you compare apples to oranges to kiwi to cantaloupe?” Hannah seems really unsure about what she is going to do, but she gives a not-terrible talk to the guys and tells them their hometowns “validated what I already knew you were and are.”

She picks up the first rose and… gives it to Peter. Along with a pamphlet on proper condom storage. 

She picks up the second rose and… gives it to Tyler C. Much to the relief of the internet.

Hannah really could do without both Jed and Luke P, but Chris Harrison says “this is the final rose tonight” and Hannah doesn’t look like she is planning to give Tyler another rose today. Hannah picks up the final rose and says “um…” and walks out of the room. If she is throwing away this rose, that is a great move.

Predictably Tyler C, Peter, and Jed huddle together while Luke P stands alone. Hannah huddles with Chris Harrison where she is crying and picking apart the final rose. Chris Harrison asks Hannah if she’s okay and she says “I can’t make a decision, I don’t know what to do.” Hannah is not done with Jed or Luke P. 

Tyler C says “you got this Jed.” Unclear if this is said while Luke P is in the room, but if so, that’s pretty mean. Also, it is weird that Tyler is rooting for Jed to get a potential night alone with the woman he “is falling in love with.” What a weird show! 

Hannah tells the guys that she doesn’t know what to do and she just can’t give out a final rose. Jed and Luke P react as if they just got dumped, but then Chris Harrison walks in, says his trademark “gentlemen…” which usually precedes “if you did not receive a rose…” but this time he follows it up with “the roses you asked for, Hannah.” It is corny as all get out but these roses go to Jed and Luke P. Jed and Luke P seemed neither as happy nor as unhappy as they were supposed to be by these developments, and Tyler C and Peter seem decidedly unhappy. But Hannah is happy, and that is what matters. And how has no one thought of this before? I mean, why would anyone limit themselves to three fantasy suites when they can have four? 

Jed says “what the fuck is going on?” and notes to the camera that he is “in the same category as” Luke P, who is “a constant toxin.” I mean, history will show that Jed is in the correct category, but he seems pissed. Hannah has both dumped Luke P and Jed and also brought them to Greece. This seems like a tactical error. 50% of the guys are pissed because their 33% chance has dropped to a 25% chance, 50% of the guys thought they were going home and now are back in, and 75% of the guys pissed that the biggest jerk they know appears to be indistinguishable from them to a woman they might be proposing to in a week. That’s science right there.

Okay, we overdid it with the USWNT this week. Just kidding, we’ve got more! If she’s taking four guys to Greece, we are giving a rose to some more celebrations.

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

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