This is part two of the finale. Part 1 is here. Read it first or don’t. I trust your judgment. We are “live” again in a studio where I guess a live audience will watch the final (previously recorded and edited) episode with us and with Chris Harrison. Probably something will happen in the studio also. In fact, the ending is kind of a big deal, so I might kinda buzz through the beginning to get you there sooner.
Chris Harrison notes that Kelley is in the audience. I guess to disprove rumors that circulated online that Peter had somehow ended up with Kelley. These rumors were spectacular, and centered on a secret pregnancy that somehow happened before the show when they met at the hotel. Brilliant, if obviously wrong. Under this theory, Kelley showed up with Peter’s bun in the oven, drank a ton for several weeks, got kicked off, and then was like “oh… one more thing tho!” Theories have circulated that Peter ended up with a producer named Julie LaPlaca. And while I like that theory, I don’t think the show could handle that particular swerve. Still, it is very “season one of UnReal.” Theories circulated that he is with Victoria F too, which are based on I guess nothing? It was a big season for rumors, so much so that rumors that Peter ended up with Hannah B seem quaint by comparison.
We see Peter jogging through the outback, presumably running from a pack of poisonous spiders. Or at least the flies that harassed him all throughout his breakup with Madison. Peter says to the camera “It just feels right and real with Hannah Ann.” Riiiight. No one is buying this, buddy. Peter meets with Neil Lane in a hotel room. This is Peter’s first time picking out a ring because he didn’t get to that stage with Hannah B. The ring discussion is edited down to like three seconds. Peter facetimes with Hannah Ann’s father to secure a blessing, then fist pumps like a humongous dweeb.
Hannah Ann talks about getting the opportunity to get “validation” with “[her] person.” Hannah Ann notes that Peter is torn between her and Madison, and “it is hard for [her] to wrap [her] mind around that.” Hannah Ann is tired of being in love with a guy who might choose Ultimatums McVirgin over her. This is meant to support a last bit of drama that Chris Harrison and the PAs have in store for the simple pilot man. Chris Harrison arrives and tells Peter “There is something I just found out. We’re not sure Hannah Ann is coming today.” Peter is like “does she know Madison isn’t here?” Chris Harrison says “not unless you told her.” That is funny, because they had a camera on Peter 100% of the time he could have told Hannah Ann. But whatever. Peter looks like he’s about to barf but he claims he is about to pass out. Peter is on the bed inside what appears to be an Australian shack with a surprisingly nice bed inside. Oh, and Julie LaPlaca seems to be in the background, as are like 100 towels because the Outback is a hotAF. The Julie LaPlaca rumor sounds good until you realize that it would be a nightmare trying to take care of fragile simpleton Peter even if you are paid to do it. Why would you sign up for a lifetime of doing that for no money?
Chris Harrison tells Peter “Hannah Ann is coming.” Drama averted! Hannah Ann looks radiant and greets the host saying “Hi Chris Harrison.” That’s funny! I like when people call him by his full name. Hannah Ann tells the camera “I can’t go through with this unless I am the only one that he loves.” Fair, they should call that the Becca Kuffrin rule. Peter embarks on an awkward proposal and I suppose if the term “first-impression rose” appears in a proposal, I know what show you guys met on and probably blogged about it.
Peter’s awkward speech includes telling Hannah Ann that Madison “left two days ago.” Peter says “my heart chooses you forever, I love you” and then Hannah Ann says “You picked me? Oh my God!” This proposal is nobody’s best work, but I bet I know someone who cringes when she hears the Lord’s name taken in vain. Kudos to Peter for not saying “well, Madison left. So she kind of picked you for me…”
Hannah Ann and Peter seem happy, but in the audience Peter’s mom Barbara is barely clapping and seems maybe mad at her son. That and the 96 minutes left in the show suggest that the story ain’t done. After the proposal we see footage from Los Angeles where Peter returns to his family. Barbara cries and says “we missed you so much!” and Pete Sr says “it has been a week… almost.” Barbara and Jack hold hands in anticipation of finding out who Peter is engaged to. Peter draws out the reveal to torture his mom. Barbara celebrates like she won the lottery when she hears it is Hannah Ann, which I’m sure will endear her to Charles Barkley and the Auburn family. Let’s remember that Barbara met Hannah Ann for part of an afternoon. Pretty much all that she knows about Hannah Ann is 1) she is not Madison; and 2) she has touched Barbara’s son’s wiener.
Chris Harrison calls Peter to the stage, and we are in the “live” portion. Peter notes how excited he was to tell his family and how happy he was. Chris Harrison asks if Peter was “able to fully move on” from the breakup with Madison. And we see Barbara in the audience demonstrate what is sometimes called “the side eye.” It should surprise no one that Peter probably would have said “I absolutely was able to move on” if things with Hannah Ann were still going swimmingly. Alas, Peter does not say that.
We get footage of the “sneak-end” date where Hannah Ann is visiting Peter in a giant AirBnB. The cameras are rolling, and it is very reminiscent of the time Arie dumped Becca K to give it a go with Lauren B. And since Arie and Lauren B have a kid together and are married, I guess that worked. Peter and Hannah Ann are ominously discussing the difficulty they have had for the month since they got engaged. It probably didn’t help that they were not together for that month, and also I suppose that Peter was actually in love with Madison when he settled for proposing to Hannah Ann. Peter is crying and says “I have never hid anything from you.” False! Hannah Ann really wants her fiance to be just in love with her, which she thought had happened until I guess Peter started talking about Madison for the whole month of their engagement. Tough beat for Barbara’s girl Hannah Ann. We see the camera on Barbara as she watches this, and she seems like she is mourning the loss of her daughter and possibly the son she is going to kill after the show is over. Hannah Ann gets up and says “I need to go to the bathroom.” On the way she passes a photo booth for some reason. This tacky mansion has everything!
Hannah Ann is in the bathroom, but she seems to have gone there for narrative and not actual bladder relief. Hannah Ann has finally reached her breaking point and the result is a torrent of truth. “Welcome to our world” say Barbara and me and everyone else. Hannah Ann has her ring off and she says “I said yes and I get this?” I think she means “dumped” but she is also waving the ring around so maybe she means “a nice ring from a quickly-broken engagement.” I like this Hannah Ann, especially when, in response to Peter saying “I’m so sorry,” Hannah Ann snaps “sorry for what?” and then suggests “for not being man enough to follow through? For not being true to your feelings? Is that what you’re sorry for?”
Hannah Ann is a savage. She says, with mock sympathy: “torn and conflicted Peter, all throughout I’ve stood by your side… and you took the most precious moment I could ever imagine away from me because you selfishly just did not want me to walk away. I just can’t even look at you anymore. I just need someone who is going to be true to their words and not be torn and conflicted 90% of the time. You’ve affected a lot of people. I. Don’t. Need. Anything. More. From. You. You’ve done enough damage.” And then “I’m done, here’s this, I’m done, and I mean that.” The “this” was the Neil Lane ring, and Neil Lane will be having that ring back, because they need to stay engaged for a certain amount of time to keep the ring, and that amount is more than “until the next time they see each other.”
Boom! Peter is going to be so into Hannah Ann now that she hates him. Barbara is nodding along with Hannah Ann as she watches this on the screen in the studio, which doesn’t bode well. Peter follows Hannah Ann and she definitely got some preparation watching the Becca-Arie confrontation, because Hannah Ann Fucking. Kills. It. Peter should just stay down! Throw in the towel! Peter follows Hannah Ann out of the bathroom and into the living room where she says “I’m telling you, I’m sorry, but your words, you can’t be true to them, so why would I hear you out anymore? Okay? I feel betrayed enough. You betrayed me. And you know it, right? That’s all I need to hear. And I’ll be able to move forward knowing that you’ve owned up to it. Going to get my life back on track now. Where it originally was before. I’m strong, and I’ve been my own rock throughout this. And you don’t have to worry about me.”
Peter inexplicably holds Hannah Ann’s hand and walks to a limo with her. Like, he still gets to dump her? She should get the house. It is her house now. She stole Peter’s mom and murdered Peter there. In California that makes her legally the owner of the house and of any photo booths therein.
Chris Harrison asks Peter if it was his “feelings for Madison” that caused him to be conflicted. Peter says “somewhat.” Though how Peter isn’t just a puddle of mush on the floor of the studio is beyond me. And now Hannah Ann is coming out. I assume she will use the still-healing scar on Peter’s forehead as the starting point when she rips his face off.
Hannah Ann comes out to pretty serious cheers including notably from Barbara. Peter kind of lands a half-hug on Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann has thought of some more things to tell her ex-fiance. She tells Peter that he “blindsided” her and also that he strung her along. Barbara claps for this, at least as the producers would have us believe. Whoever decided on featuring Barbara in the picture-in-picture deserves all the raises. I hope Victor was watching this because Hannah Ann fucking crushes Peter on cross examination and is an inspiration to litigators everywhere. It is brutal. She says “you knew exactly what to tell me to keep me with you…. Like letting me walk away would be the biggest regret of your life. Words are powerful, Peter. Either you don’t mean what you say or you don’t understand the weight of your words and how they impact people. So which one is it?” Hannah Ann also discloses that “even after the breakup you reached out to my parents saying that you were just processing your emotions and that you wish we had met outside reality TV. How does that make any sense? You signed up to be the Bachelor.”
Peter says he “loved” Hannah Ann and he “swears to God.” Amy suggests Peter should stop “swearing to God” because Madison isn’t going to like that. True! Hannah Ann, like me, took great issue with Peter’s proposal. Hannah Ann didn’t appreciate that she found out Madison was gone two days after it happened and during the proposal. Hannah Ann correctly notes that she wouldn’t have said yes had Peter been honest with her, because she would have sussed out that Peter wasn’t ready to commit to her alone, Madison forced him into it by leaving. Peter says “you’re so right, I should have done that, and I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart.” Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the last word and she drops another bombshell, noting that Peter also reached out to Hannah B to get “closure” with her. That is new news! And Hannah Ann closes with “if you want to be with a woman, you need to become a real man.” Pete Sr looks a little offended, but Barbara is clapping in support, and not just because Hannah Ann is leaving the stage and can no longer pummel her son.
Chris Harrison tells us he “went to Auburn, Alabama.” He is there to see Madison, and he asks how she’s been. An in-set screen is just Barbara and Hannah Ann reacting to Chris Harrison’s field trip. One of them rolled her eyes, and it was not Hannah Ann. Madison seems to be telling Chris Harrison that she regrets what she did and “would have done things differently.” Then Madison says “so what happened?” Chris Harrison says “he got engaged” which seems to hit Madison pretty hard. Chris Harrison then says “Peter doesn’t know I’m here” and then tells Madison that “Peter ended his engagement with Hannah Ann.” I hope Chris Harrison also went to Virginia Beach and had this conversation with Victoria F. Madison asks “is he okay?” and cries a bit. Chris Harrison asks “are you in love with Peter?” Madison seems to be processing things in real time, but she admits that she still has feelings for Peter. Chris Harrison tells Madison that Peter “ended his engagement because of his feelings for” Madison. That seems to be only partly true, but okay. Chris Harrison says “in his dream, he would be with you.” Do we know that? I don’t think we know that. Madison says “if I had a second chance at this, I’d take it in a heartbeat.” Then she says “I guess we are heading to LA.”
We see a brief filmed reunion, though not the passionate reunion we were sort of told to expect. The reunion is at a different mansion and the inset picture is just Barbara Weber grinding her teeth. Madison comes out on stage just after Chris Harrison encourages Peter to admit he still loves Madison. Things seem… awkward? But okay. This show has clearly decided they need something they can call a relationship at the end. Chris Harrison strong-armed Tyler C and Hannah B into going on a date. They convinced (or at least allowed) Arie to propose to Lauren B in front of Becca Kuffrin’s family. And they are trying desperately to make this Madison thing happen with Peter. These two were apart for three months after Madison figured out they would never work, and then Peter proposed to Hannah Ann. They aren’t exactly going to get engaged during After The Final Rose. Honestly I’d be surprised if they even date. Peter says they will “take it one step at a time, one day at a time.” That is prudent, though I bet Neil Lane (present in the audience) was hoping for an engagement.
And then shit gets real. Too real for me, a person notably averse to interpersonal conflict. It is a condition called “Minnesotan.” Chris Harrison asks Barbara to weigh in. And she says “I just am so happy that Peter is happy and I love you, Madison.” No, just kidding. She does not say that. She goes in the opposite direction at about 200 miles per hour, doubling down on her decision to back Hannah Ann: “The show didn’t show everything… I’ve been getting lots of love in my DMs. When I went for Hannah Ann it was because she was… just so loving. We met Madison… she had us wait three hours to come in, she didn’t want to meet us. We had just come across the world. We were exhausted and we had to wait three hours. We didn’t get an apology from her, and she said she would not accept a proposal. How do you expect a mother to take that?”
Barbara, coming in hot. Chris Harrison asks for Madison’s response and it is pretty good, even if it starts with “at the end of the day it is what it is.” Madison is “unashamed of who [she is] and undeniably [her]self.” She adds “I have love and respect for Peter, therefore I have love and respect for Peter’s family, therefore I will never say a negative word about anything.” That is a diss, and one that Barbara appears to pick up on immediately. Peter tries to defend his family a bit from I guess the hatred of America, claiming they are just looking out for him.
Barbara inhales like she thinks this is a debate and it is her turn. And in a way it is, because Barbara is turning heel like Hulk Hogan at the Bash at the Beach. Barbara is Chapo Trap House and Madison is her Elizabeth Warren. She says “my son, my husband, myself, we want the best for Peter. And I have to tell you… Peter said he gave his heart to two people, and only one gave her love to him.” “Hannah Ann” she adds, unneccessarily. Madison finally has had enough Barbara and fires back saying “this is my journey too. This isn’t just Peter choosing me, this is me choosing Peter.” Umm… he didn’t choose you enough to, like, tell his mom to stop criticizing you on television.
Is Barbara done? No she is not. Chris Harrison tries to wrap things up so he can put a bow on the season, but Barbara interjects with perhaps the harshest criticism of a lead and contestant by a mom in show history. “Chris, he’s going to have to fail to succeed. That’s it. Chris, all his friends, all his family, everyone who knows him knows it’s not going to work.” Peter interrupts the booing of the crowd to say “I’m telling you that I love Madison, and that should be enough.”
Pete Sr is asked his opinion and he starts with “honestly I hate this situation.” Yeah, jeez. I feel like we shouldn’t be watching this at all. Before he can answer though, Barbara says something to him under her breath. I think it is in Spanish and I think I picked up “ayudame” and that is “help me” or, you know, back my play if you know what is good for you. The Webers are fully a reality television family now, but I do like that Barbara went second language to keep Pete Sr in line. Barbara is most definitely going to be on our television again. But probably not at the wedding of their son to Madison. Turns out no one was prepared for Hurricane Barbara.
The Next Bachelorette
Clare Crawley is apparently in the studio and she gets maybe four minutes of remaining show time. In recent seasons they have used this opportunity to introduce the new Bachelorette to a few dudes. If they have those dudes backstage, they are going to stay there. There’s no time for anything but a cursory reintroduction of Clare. Chris Harrison asks “are you sure you want to do this after tonight?” Funny. Clare Crawley makes a joke that references the show Punk’d. No better way to identify yourself as a late-thirties/early-forties person than to reference the show Punk’d.
We get footage of Clare “punking” Juan Pablo when she was a contestant. I linked to a version of this video a week ago. It is in black and white with piano music and dialogue intertitles. Not really, but you can tell it was a while ago. Still, Clare was great in that awful season, was great in Winter Games, and might convince Victor to put on his blogging shoes and get back into the game. To paraphrase Barbara Weber, bring Victor home! Bring him home to us!