At the end of the last episode Peter sent home a former Miss Texas named Alayah because all of the other women in the house convinced him that she was “fake” and “deceitful.” “Alayah is a lie-ah” would have been the best way to sum up this argument in a stereotypical Boston accent. Alas, no one thought to cast Ben Affleck’s character from Good Will Hunting on this season. A rare misstep. Well, Alayah is gone, and she must be angry because she missed a free trip to… <checks notes> umm… Cleveland.
Chris Harrison has to sell this Ohio sojourn to the women in the house. Kudos to the producers for not inserting a record scratch, though the reactions of the women will not be used in any Ohio tourism videos. New York redhead Lexi speaks for all of them when she says “ohhh… kay?” And then tells the camera “none of us has really been there, so… bring it on?” Peter claims to be excited to be in Cleveland, which he calls a “great sports town.” Sure? I mean, only 33% of the major sports teams in Cleveland feature overtly racist logos. Peter also poses next to a river that hasn’t caught on fire in fifty years.
Victoria F One-on-one Date
The first Cleveland date is a one-on-one for Victoria F. The women tell her that she must be skydiving and Victoria F says she is afraid of heights. This date starts at an airport, which bodes well for Victoria F’s fear of heights. She is convinced she will be skydiving when she sees Peter in front of a Cirrus SR22 plane. True story, Cirrus is a company based in Minnesota that is known for putting a parachute on the plane as a safety feature. Like the whole plane has a parachute that will deploy (and has, 79 times) if the plane stalls out. You can see the parachute in this grainy video. So ends everything I know about planes! Thank you, random memo I wrote as a summer associate.
Victoria F tells the camera she is “terrified” and doing something she would “not normally do.” I mean, she got to Cleveland in a plane, but maybe not this tiny one. The plane flies past Cedar Point, which is famous for roller coasters. This is the location of the date. They are going to be hanging out at a regionally famous amusement park. Mostly alone, it would appear, as no one else is on the rides with them. When they take a break from some rides Victoria F has to make a toast. She says “cheers to our sons having hot moms and successful dads.” I assume Peter, like me, is wondering how many hot moms? Also, not for nothing, but those kids could have a successful mom (or moms) too.
After riding some rides the date is going to end with a country concert. Today’s country concert will be performed by Chase Rice. You may not have heard of Chase Rice, but wikipedia says he is a country singer and former college football player who was on Survivor. Victoria F knows him from when she used to date him. Looks like Peter’s not the only one awkwardly running into exes on dates!
Peter claims to be very excited about the “private Chase Rice concert” despite the fact that there are hundreds of other people there. I’m not an expert on Chase Rice’s music, but it seems like he is either thrown by Victoria F’s presence or else not a great singer. Victoria F knows all of the lyrics to the songs. Peter claims to be a big fan of Chase Rice, which is backed up when he takes Chase Rice’s phone to give Chase his phone number. This is followed by a very awkward conversation between Chase Rice and Victoria F. In the off chance that Chase Rice is still into Victoria F, he just watched her make out with another guy while dancing to his music.
I’m of two minds here. I often say (on this blog, not in normal conversation) that when you are dating someone that is dating many other people on a TV show, things that would not otherwise be a dealbreaker may become one. I mean, Peter currently has fourteen girlfriends that probably haven’t dated Chase Rice. On the other hand, Peter seems to really like Chase Rice. I assume that extends to liking that Chase Rice used to be into Victoria F. Knowing that Victoria F is very desirable to other quasi-celebrities might make her more desirable to Peter. If you are wondering what Chase Rice thought of the whole thing, he claims to not have been pleased.
Peter and Victoria meet for dinner at Cleveland City Hall. That is a weird place for a meal, but I think their second choice was probably a Shoney’s. Just kidding Cleveland! You have a beautiful City Hall and I’m sure the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was booked already! Victoria F tells Peter the concert “was a little weird” because “Chase and I used to date.” Peter is shocked and asks “the singer Chase?” No dummy, the bank. Victoria F tells Peter that she dumped Chase Rice because his “lifestyle” was not a good fit for her and she wanted to go on the show with Peter. Peter asks Victoria F if she still has feelings for Chase Rice, and Victoria F says she does not. But Peter has pretty much said that about his ex Hannah B, and he is probably lying. Anyway, Victoria F stands up and walks away crying.
Peter eventually tracks her down amid the municipal files of Cleveland to reassure Victoria F that he doesn’t hate her. Peter kisses Victoria F and I can’t tell if Peter likes Victoria F in spite of how high strung she is or because of it. Peter laughs about the situation, though he probably should be considering that the producers most definitely set this trap for him and Victoria F. In four episodes they have thrown exes into the mix twice with Hannah B and once with Chase Rice, which suggests they should expect more shenanigans over the remainder of the season.
Peter gives Victoria F the rose, and they go out to dance to cello music played by Victoria F’s ex husband Yo Yo Ma! Just kidding, it was a different cellist and, so far as I know, this dude has never seen any of Peter’s girlfriends before.
Cattle Call Group Date
The group date this week will feature Victoria P, Kiarra, Kelley, Deandra, Madison, Lexi, Shiann, Tammy, Sydney, Hannah Ann, Savannah, Natasha, and Mykenna. The date card says “Let’s tackle Love together.” They will be tackling Cleveland Cavaliers Forward Kevin Love! True story, I once gave my wife a Kevin Love jersey for Valentine’s Day (get it? Love!). He was on the Timberwolves at the time, and also I am not good at romance.
Peter is taking the women to FirstEnergy Stadium, home of the Cleveland Browns. The natural joke here is to say that the women on this date are the best team to play football in FirstEnergy Stadium, but that isn’t true. Lots of good teams have come here to beat the Browns. Zing! Assisting the women are Josh Cribbs, a former kick returner and current “coaching intern” for the Browns. Also Hanford Dixon, who last played for Cleveland in 1989, before any of Peter’s girlfriends were born. Hanford Dixon is the reason Cleveland’s supporters are called “the Dawg Pound” and that would be a big deal of any of these women gave a shit about the Cleveland Browns. Baker Mayfield and Odell Beckham Jr are the most famous current Browns, slightly ahead of Myles Garrett, who is best known for trying to murder Mason Rudolph with Rudolph’s own helmet.
Victoria P decides not to play football because of her back. So while the other women are running through drills with Josh Cribbs and Hanford Dixon, Peter is rubbing Victoria P’s back and kissing her. The prize for winning this game, predictably, is more time with Peter. A rule that is enforced sporadically on these competition group dates. Our announcers are Jon Doss and Morgan Wright, two random Cleveland news people. Looks like Fred Willard and Chris Harrison don’t do Cleveland.
Onto the game! Shiann fumbles the kickoff, but her teammate Natasha recovers the fumble. Shiann makes up for it and shows she is the best player on the field when she takes the first handoff to the house for a touchdown. Josh Cribbs is coaching Shiann’s team and he is calling only running plays for Shiann. To be fair, his QB is Sydney and she didn’t know how to hike the ball. Also, Shiann is real good. On the Hanford Dixon team, the QB Kelley throws the ball to Hannah Ann a few times, which leads to Hannah Ann getting gang tackled. Hanford Dixon needs to call some other plays. The answer is Deandra, who shows herself to be the second-best player out there when she catches actual passes and runs them in for touchdowns to close the gap with Shiann’s team. Shiann scores all four of her team’s touchdowns. She is a monster and I love her. Her team has the lead by one touchdown heading into the final minute.
As the clock winds down, Kelley hits Deandra with a desperation heave on fourth down and Deandra takes it all the way for a tying touchdown. It was a very dramatic ending, even if the result was a tie game that made everyone angry. Especially Natasha, though she boldly declares that Shiann should get Peter first because she scored all of the “goals.”
The cocktail portion of the date is at the FirstEnergy PowerHouse, which features an aquarium and is where you would have your Cleveland destination wedding if you were 1) very rich; and 2) contractually obligated to get married in Cleveland. All 13 of the women are there, though Victoria P did not play and should have been sent home. Alas, Victoria P grabs Peter first, much to everyone else’s chagrin.
Shiann is angry with Victoria P for I guess “pushing her to the side.” At least that is what she tells Peter. To be fair to Victoria P, Peter’s goal is not to find the best football player. But the real drama starts when Alayah walks into the cocktail party. The women are shocked, or in Tammy-the-wrestler’s words, “shooketh to the core.” Shiann’s time with Peter is interrupted by Alayah, which probably takes some of the heat off of Victoria P in Shiann’s eyes at least.
Alayah wants to “clear the air” and the topic is apparently “were Alayah and Victoria P actual friends?” Victoria P told Peter she had known Alayah for three hours when she told Peter that Alayah wasn’t there for Peter. Alayah says she and Victoria P were legit friends before the show and took a trip to Vegas together. Victoria P is like “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” She doesn’t say that, but she cries a whole bunch. She also hugs Alayah when she sees her.
Alayah and Victoria P confront each other in front of Peter. It sounds like Alayah is confused and hurt because she thinks her friend stabbed her in the back on TV. Victoria P seems to not have a good response, though she does say “after I shared with him I was falling in love with him… he deserved what I felt like my truth was in that moment.” There’s a lot there. Okay, just two things: Victoria P told Peter she was falling in love with him. Also, “what I felt like my truth was in that moment” is a pretty ballsy euphemism for “I lied.” Peter tells the camera that he now has doubts about Victoria P while narratively-appropriate sharks from the aquarium swim past in a large tank behind him. Peter is concerned that he sent Alayah home based on the word of a liar.
Back in the room Savannah gets a very brief moment on camera when she tells the other women that she thinks Victoria P is a liar and a fake. The other women are upset about being shut out of their Peter time because Peter is conducting a very stupid pageant investigation. Peter tells Alayah that he was frustrated with himself for sending her home based on other people’s opinions. Peter decides the answer is to invite Alayah back onto the show. Alayah agrees to come back if they “move past this.” Peter is one-for-two in inviting women onto the show now, as he tried to get Hannah Brown to join the house in the very awkward first episode. This is a thing I’m sure his other girlfriends don’t appreciate. Peter picks up the rose and, in front of all the football players, gives it to Alayah. He just spent the whole cocktail party with two people who didn’t even play! Shiann scored four touchdowns!
After Peter leaves, Natasha leads an exodus out of the date. Alayah tells the only remaining women (Mykenna and Kelley) that she needs to be caught up on the drama. But actually Alayah had the internet for a while so she knows more than they do. She drops a “oh, you didn’t know Victoria F dated Chase Rice?” nugget on the women. Turns out that unlike this blog, Alayah reads the spoilers!
Kelsey One-on-one Date
Kelsey from Des Moines has miraculously survived the champagne disaster and now gets a magical Cleveland date. But first Peter has to tell Kelsey that Alayah is back. Kelsey is one of the women who badmouthed Alayah, but Kelsey pivots to “I don’t want you to have any whatifs when you choose me.” I think Kelesey maybe had a heads up on this reveal. But she handled it pretty well. Much like a former Miss Iowa would. So many pageant alums on this show! We haven’t even talked about Hannah Ann’s almost being Miss Tennessee (this answer didn’t help her).
I’m very well aware that pageant competitions can be nerve wracking and anyone can freeze up when asked a question. Well one of Peters women, Hannah Sluss, almost had her own “Such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as…” moment a few years ago… pic.twitter.com/7NQ5BIpQ72
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) September 19, 2019
Kelsey and Peter walk around and apparently eat a street pierogi and do some polka dancing. Cleveland is so Eastern European that Rudy Giuliani wants it to investigate Hunter Biden. Kelsey and Peter go to some random stores before getting involved in a soapbox derby race with some kids. They hop into a soapbox racer together and their extra weight carries them to victory over two children. What a date! Peter and Kelsey have dinner together on the very cold deck of a very cold boat and Kelsey apologizes for the first night champagne-gate (or, for the Republicans, champagne-ghazi). Peter laughs it off, and Kelsey pivots to discussing her parents’ divorce. Kelsey is still pretty emotional about this. Kelsey’s dad left her mom, leaving a note in the kitchen with his wedding ring and then jetting off to Mexico to start a new life. I guess we aren’t sending Mexico our best….
Kelsey didn’t see her father for twelve years after the divorce, and Peter tears up talking about what Kelsey and her mother went through, comparing it to his mother and grandmother’s experience emigrating from Cuba. Peter gives Kelsey the rose. And then they watch some fireworks together.
Back in the house there are different fireworks, and these are over the Chase Rice situation. Because after Alayah was kicked off, she googled stuff and now everyone knows that Victoria F and Chase Rice dated. Alayah’s response was “I had no idea that nobody knew… it was literally all over the place…” And yeah, that is either a fair reaction or a mean reaction, depending on how manipulative you think Alayah is. Victoria F thinks “very” and she uses some profanity in her confrontation with Alayah. Victoria F calls Alayah “manipulative” and “fake” and promises Alayah that she is going to tell Peter all about her. Alayah seems a little surprised, especially because she still hasn’t mentioned the other thing about Victoria that leaked:
— rach against the machine (@rchlmllnd) January 7, 2020
Peter is back at the mansion for the cocktail party and wants to talk to Victoria P. But before he can, Deandra interrupts Peter to tell him to go fuck himself. Not exactly, but she says the football date was a huge slap in the face. They played football (a sport that led pro football player Clay Harbor to break his arm on this very show) only to have Peter ignore them for Victoria P and then give the date rose to some chick that isn’t even on the show. Natasha backs up Deandra, and then no one else does despite them all thinking the same thing. Peter apologizes and says he’s “so not perfect” and he “should have given Alayah the rose at the last rose ceremony” but he was “influenced.” Peter tries again to talk to Victoria P, who says “I don’t want to talk right now. Okay, fine, let’s talk.” Peter is doing great! Victoria P is pissed because Peter just told the women he “was influenced” when they all know it was Victoria P who told Peter the things that caused him to dump Alayah. Victoria P realizes what Peter does not: he can’t both believe Victoria P and keep Alayah on the show. Victoria P, who apparently told Peter she was falling in love with him, says to Peter “you don’t trust me.”
While Victoria P (and later Victoria F) trash Alayah to Peter, the other women pile onto Alayah in the waiting area. Peter hears from a very upset Alayah and asks her why everyone in the house thinks she is awful. Peter is throwing essentially the opposite of a perfect game here. His string of failures is impressive. He ruined a group date by spending all of his time with an ex on two separate occasions, with two separate exes, and this is the fourth episode. Peter literally loosens his tie while explaining to the camera that he is hurting everyone to the point that he thinks all of the women might leave.
And that’s the end of the episode!
Before we say goodbye, the sad news from Bachelor world this week concerned the other Tyler on Hannah Brown’s season: a graduate student named “Tyler G” who had a seemingly-successful one-on-one date and then left the show under mysterious circumstances. Tyler G passed away, apparently from an overdose of some sort. Unclear if this is in any way related to his time on the show or his abrupt departure. But, you know, take care of yourself and each other, people.