Hi again! The Bachelor producers decided to “bless” us with five hours of programming this week. If you haven’t checked in yet this week, you can read a recap of the Monday episode here. Normally it is a Monday-Tuesday thing but I think there was some speech on Tuesday so we get the second episode of the week on Wednesday. Whatever happened to my copy of that speech?
— CSPAN (@cspan) February 5, 2020
Oh. Right. The silver lining to this schedule is that we ended the last episode with a rose ceremony, so at least the episodic structure of the show is preserved. In these troubled times, it is the least we can do to try to preserve our norms. Right Mitt Romney?
Speaking of troubled times, apparently the March issue of Cosmo is out, so America is working its way through an article about 13 MORE sex positions that will Drive. Him. Wild. But also, a quick review of the cover shows that Victoria F is not on it despite promises to the contrary made in Monday’s episode by EIC Jessica Pels. Cosmo issued a statement and yeah, it was White-Lives-Matter-related. Notably they don’t shy away from the issues, including saying the following:
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I found out that the woman I’d chosen had, in her past, modeled in an ad campaign wearing White Lives Matter attire.
(It’s been reported that what she modeled for was actually a Marlin Lives Matter organization focused on preventing white and blue marlin from being overfished, which used “white lives matter” and “blue lives matter” messaging on its promotional shirts and hats. In my view, the nature of the organization is neither here nor there—both phrases and the belief systems they represent are rooted in racism and therefore problematic.)
Unequivocally, the White Lives Matter movement does not reflect the values of the Cosmo brand. We stand in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, and any cause that fights to end injustices for people of color.
Wow, Cosmo is… pretty progressive? I mean, the last statement from Cosmo that I remember was when you said you’re fat. Well I ain’t down with that.
There are ten women left on the show, and this is as good of a time as any to try to divide them into categories. Or, in honor of Senator Romney, binders.
Binder One – The Peloton: Hannah Ann and Madison. These two women have gotten generally positive edits and seem to have connected well enough with Peter while avoiding most of the non-champagne drama. Both are very young, but are probably in the mix to be the next Bachelorette (other contenders I guess would include Kelley, Hannah Brown (again), and I guess Kendall from Arie’s season, who recently split with Grocery-Store Joe, the man she started dating in Paradise.
Binder Two – If Things Break Just Right: Victoria F, Sydney, and Kelsey. This group has been the source of a lot of drama (Victoria P could arguably be in this group, but if she were a contender the show probably would have protected her reputation for truthfulness a little better in the edit), but Peter has at least a physical connection with these women and, well, you never know. Someone has to get to hometowns and fantasy suites, right?
Binder Three – Yeah… No: Kelley, Victoria P, Natasha. Kelley seemed like an early frontrunner but despite their pre-show connection there hasn’t been much growth in her and Peter’s relationship. Kelley could prove me wrong, but without a clear physical connection the only defining feature of her time with Peter thus far is that a man with no backbone almost sent her home for not trying hard enough. Natasha seems to be the most vocal critic of Peter’s being a terrible Bachelor. And Victoria P, as discussed at length, was doing well until she got caught undermining her pageant friend Alayah.
Binder Four – The Drama Club: Tammy and Mykenna. Neither of these women has had a one-on-one date and both looked to be leaving last week. They may go out with a bang, but they are not long for this season.
Hannah Ann One-on-one Date
This episode is in Santiago, Chile. We get an extended discussion of Chile’s political history, including a US-backed coup that toppled Salvador Allende and led to a military dictatorship under Augusto Pinochet. During this time the Chilean economy became essentially a laboratory for free-market economists trained in the United States. Oh… sorry, no one talked about this at all. Instead the women gather to hear Mykenna express a delusional amount of concern about not getting time with Peter. If we are all of a sudden paying attention to a subsidiary character, it might be because she is headed for an ignominious ending.
Peter shows up to greet the women and grab one of them. And that one is Hannah Ann. They will be exploring Santiago on a one-on-one date. Hannah Ann and Peter eat street Chile hot dogs (not to be confused with chili dogs) and they shove the hot dogs into each other’s faces like pieces of wedding cake. Peter speaks some Spanish to some Santiaguinos that have been married to each other for 20 years. The contrived conversation with an old couple is a show trope. Peter asks them what they think of Hannah Ann. “She’s so young” is their answer. Es verdad.
Peter and Hannah Ann ride a funicular and Hannah Ann tells Peter “I’ve felt love before but I’ve never been in love.” This seems to scare Peter, because he thinks she might not be ready for a life-long commitment. Well, she’s 23 and you have nine other girlfriends, so maybe YOU aren’t exactly in a position to judge her, Peter. But I guess this is what will pass for conflict on this mercifully short date.
At dinner Hannah Ann tells Peter that after this date she can “envision [her] future with [Peter].” A future of… eating Chilean hot dogs very messily? But Peter has more questions about Hannah Ann not having been in love before. Hannah Ann assures Peter that she dated someone for three-and-a-half years but that they were not in love. Peter asks Hannah Ann if she is “100% ready” and she says she is. But Peter is uncharacteristically digging deeper, and asks what specifically she likes. Hannah Ann says “your qualities and like what you possess is very similar to like what I was raised to have wanted.” That is a strange way to put it!
Peter excuses himself from the table to expel some bad street hot dogs, or possibly to tell the camera that he isn’t sure if Hannah Ann has enough of a connection with him. Peter says he doesn’t want someone who “needs to be perfect and have perfect answers.” Well, he loved Hannah B and she was sort of the opposite of “perfect with perfect answers,” so his story checks out? Hannah Ann follows Peter outside and he’s like “what’s wrong?” Well, her date just walked out on her at dinner, dummy. Hannah Ann cries and tells Peter “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” Peter hugs her and then walks away again. Peter returns, gives Hannah Ann the date rose he just retrieved, and apparently Hannah Ann crying and saying “I’m starting to fall in love with you” addressed all of Peter’s concerns. They kiss a lot and the budget doesn’t cover a Chilean band or fireworks, so that’s it.
Cattle Call Group Date
Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P, Madison, Tammy, Kelley, and Mykenna have a date, and the card says: luz, camera, accion. That is what my elementary school Spanish teacher said when we did skits! “It means ‘lights, camera, action’” Kelley helpfully informs us.
Oh, there is a second card, and it is for the only other person. That person is Victoria F, who famously has already had a one-on-one date at an amusement park. Her ex Chase Rice performed. Mykenna cries and confides to Kelsey that it may be time for Mykenna to leave.
This group date is going to involve acting out telenovelas. Peter says he learned Spanish from telenovelas, and now they are going to film El Amor de Pedro. The director gives everyone roles, and Peter says he wants to see the women connect and show feeling. This telenovela is pretty bad. The director casts Kelley as Pedro’s grandmother, which is a good reflection of their romantic chemistry. Abuela Kelley makes two jokes: she says she is a GILF (Grandmother I’d Like to Fantasy suite) and “incest is best” for Pedro and his abuela. Sydney is dressed as a nurse, Mykenna is dressed as a maid, Victoria P is in a cast of some sort, perhaps referencing her injured back. Tammy is a neighbor? You know, the usual stuff. Oh, Chris Harrison shows up briefly with a fake mustache. Peter does not kiss Chris Harrison, but Pedro kisses all of the women in front of all of the other women, and somehow tricks Mykenna into believing Pedro’s character’s lines are Peter’s actual thoughts about her. Pedro passionately kisses her as part of the telenovela, so that’s a small silver lining for anyone with Mykenna in their Bachelor fantasy league.
The cocktail party for the date is in a very pretty building and everyone is dressed up, except Peter who is in jeans and both a quarter-zip polo and a full zip sweater. Kelsey grabs Peter first and reminds him yet again that she is falling in love with him. Peter tells Kelsey that he has feelings for her also. Mykenna and Victoria P both take the opportunity to talk to the other women about what they want out of this cocktail party.
Victoria P tells Peter that she is worried Peter will have doubts after Alayah outed her as a big ‘ol liar. She doesn’t use those words exactly, but Peter says they had an amazing date and then things have kind of stagnated. Peter tells Victoria P that he knows she “wants this” and is “ready for this” and that her “heart is in the right place” but he is concerned that Victoria P is “more secure and confident” than Peter is in their relationship. That escalated quickly! Or slowly, if you consider that it has been weeks since Peter discovered Victoria P was lying about her history with Alayah. Peter tells Victoria P “I don’t know if I see you as my wife and I’m so sorry about that.” Victoria P says “I’m concerned for you, I’m worried for you…. Because this is the last conversation we’re going to have.” Victoria P’s whole tone shifted when she found out she was getting the ax, and she definitely asked a production assistant to get her a car or a taxi. Victoria P does a thing I like, which is to try to decline the walk out. “Can I walk you out?” is what the lead always says while dumping someone not during a rose ceremony, and Victoria P up and declined it, then actually speedwalked to get away from Peter, though he was able to catch up, hug her, and say “you are going to make someone so happy one day.” Like today, when watching this episode makes Alayah very happy.
Surprise elimination! I suspect Victoria P has booked her ticket to Paradise, or will after she dominates the first hour of The Women Tell All. The women go from being annoyed that Victoria P monopolized Peter’s time to feigning sympathy when he tells them that she’s gone. Peter gamely continues the date, spending time with Kelley and Madison and kissing Madison a lot.
On the collection of couches that is essentially the waiting room for the women, Tammy inexplicably picks a fight with Mykenna. It isn’t clear what the issue is, but I guess Tammy decided Mykenna’s complaining was too much for Tammy to bear in silence. Tammy seems to have a very low tolerance for other women in the house, and if her conflict with Kelsey is any indication, a willingness to say other people are alcoholic pill-poppers having mental breakdowns. Mykenna responds to Tammy with “I am here for the right reasons, say what you want to say, I don’t give a crap.” Mykenna crying while she says this suggests that she does give a crap. Tammy keeps after Mykenna like the excellent high-school wrestler she may have been if all those other wrestlers didn’t forfeit all of their matches to her. Notably everyone but Kelsey bailed on the the Tammy-Mykenna fight, and Peter didn’t even let their yelling interrupt his making out with Madison.
Mykenna finally gets a chance to talk to Peter, and uses her time to criticize Tammy. Peter says it is really confusing to him because “who the fuck is Tammy… and who are you again, eyebrows girl?” He doesn’t say those things, but he is barely aware of Mykenna. Mykenna, on the other hand, seems to be very into Peter. After politely listening to Mykenna, Peter gave the date rose to Madison.
Victoria F One-on-One Date
Peter refers to Victoria as “Victoria F,” so I guess we are keeping the initials. You never know, he could bring Victoria P back. I mean, he brought back Alayah and tried to invite Hannah B into the show. He gives second chances to pageant people!
This date is going to involve riding horses and watching horses dance. People are on the horses while they dance, but it is still impressive. Maybe more impressive? I don’t know much about horses, unlike someone who bucked their party to vote to convict the President of abuse of power (Warning, this link is a video and this video is funny).
Peter tells Victoria F that if she doesn’t “see this as something she can do,” she needs to tell him. Peter asks Victoria F if she knows why he asked her on a second one-on-one. She doesn’t, but Peter says “because I like you and I wanted to spend time with you.” That’s settled then.
Just like with Hannah Ann before her, and Kelley before Hannah Ann, the drama from this date will be “can this lady convince Peter that she likes him?” Unlike Kelley and Hannah Ann, Victoria F is a truly bad communicator. She seems unable to explain her feelings about Peter. Instead, Victoria F does Peter’s move and walks out. She claims she is going to throw up, and she says a lot to a production assistant about how she likes Peter and she doesn’t understand why she is sabotaging her relationship with him. Meanwhile Peter talks to a different production assistant about how he likes Victoria F but she is scaring him with her behavior. Maybe those production assistants could talk to each other and fix this mess?
Peter seems legitimately concerned that he can’t convince Victoria F to like him back. But Victoria F returns to the table and apologizes and says “you deserve someone who’s confident and I like you and I don’t know why I’m acting like this.” The corollary to the rule that “things that fly when your boyfriend doesn’t have nine other girlfriends might not fly when he does” is “unless you look like Victoria F.” Peter gives Victoria F the rose and says Victoria F is the first girl Peter has felt strongly about who is not giving him validation back.
Tammy and Mykenna Two-on-one Date
The women are together in the hotel preparing for a cocktail party when a fourth date card arrives. It is a two-on-one date with Mykenna and Tammy. Mykenna and Tammy have a tense conversation and these two randos with no connection to Peter are going to settle things and I guess Peter will be there.
The two women pack their bags (something they would have had to do anyway before the cocktail party) and tell the camera how much they dislike each other. Their date is in a winery I think? I guess it is going to immediately precede the cocktail party, so the cocktail party is there as well. Peter could just talk to these two at the cocktail party, but the show decided to waste an envelope making this a separate date. Mykenna defiantly tells Tammy “you made me found [sic] my damn voice.” She adds “love wins, bringing people down never wins, and that’s how I feel about that.” Mykenna, notably, is from Canada. Bringing people down (possibly with help from foreign governments) wins often in the United States. Senator Pierre Delecto could tell her all about this!
Peter arrives and says “there’s no room for this at this point.” He’s here to “get to the bottom” of whatever fight these-two-women-that-he-doesn’t-really-like are having. Detective Peter is on the case! First he talks to Tammy, and asks her “what is going on?” Tammy says that Mykenna “has shown me no reason that she is here for the right reasons.” And says “she’s trying to create hashtags for her brand.” And also “she packed her bags before the last group date and was ready to leave.” Tammy says this relationship is serious for her, and Mykenna takes things lightly. Peter asks her “how do you view our relationship and where we’re at?” Tammy says there was “a speed bump” but she “trusts the process” and Mykenna impedes the process. “She’s Markelle Fultz!” is what Tammy would say if she were a 76ers fan.
Mykenna gets her chance and shockingly does not agree with Tammy’s analysis. Mykenna says Tammy “gets joy bringing people down.” Mykenna says she is focused on Peter, and Peter is like “are you tho?” And relays the “packed her bags before the group date” data point from Tammy. Mykenna says it would have been “the biggest mistake I ever made.” She’s young, but that is a small mistake so Mykenna has lived a largely mistake-free life. Good for her! Mykenna assures Peter that “I’m speaking my truth on this,” which is the exact wording used by recently-dumped-liar Victoria P. Peter asks if Mykenna “believes in this process” and when Mykenna says she believes in her and Peter he asks “why?” Mykenna doesn’t really have an answer because she and Peter have no actual connection. She returns to sit very awkwardly with Tammy. Tammy and Mykenna really dislike each other. They keep insulting each other in the midst of an existential threat to their relationship with the man they allegedly want to marry, and Mykenna says “I’m not the villain of the season, you are.” Tammy says “I don’t care about that, you do.” Their fight is both dumb and also vicious. Peter mercifully arrives to sit between them. He says “I can’t have both of you continue past tonight with me.” He tells Mykenna “I trust you” and then walks Tammy out. That’s as much of a resolution as Peter has given thus far. He is getting better at investigations.
Tammy’s limo ride is mostly her complaining about Mykenna, not talking about Peter. That’s fine, her experience on the show was not really about Peter. She’ll be back in Paradise I suspect. And she’ll be an active participant when the Women Tell All. Notably Mykenna doesn’t have a rose, which is usually part of the two-on-one date. So she is very much not safe heading into the rose ceremony. And now the other women have arrived so we’ve reached the cocktail party.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Peter arrives and tells the women that he is done talking about Tammy. Then he grabs Natasha to chat. He tells Natasha that he is “not about the drama” and kisses Natasha. Good for Natasha and Peter! We see a little bit of Peter chatting with the other women around the winery. Nothing really notable happens beyond a lot of kisses and I guess Victoria F managing to complete a sentence about liking Peter. This makes Peter pretty happy.
Chris Harrison makes his second appearance of the episode to tell the women they should line up for the rose ceremony. Victoria F, Hannah Ann, and Madison have roses. There are three more, which means this is a bloodbath four-elimination episode. And the remaining roses go to:
Kelsey – Chateau Des Moines has beaten the odds to connect with Peter and gets the added bonus of having her enemy Tammy eliminated.
Natasha – The one thirty-something has apparently developed a connection with Peter off camera, because we haven’t seen them being very romantic and Natasha hasn’t had a one-on-one date. Natasha is closing in on Rachel Lindsay’s and Tayshia Adams’s record for longest run by an African American contestant on the Bachelor.
And the final rose goes to…
Kelley – the lawyer and Spanish-translator-for-Peter’s-other-girlfriends has made it to the final six.
That means we say farewell to Mykenna after all. She will get to the airport in time to fly back to the US with Tammy. Despite spending the past four hours of the show crying, Mykenna tells us that the experience has shown her that she is tough and beautiful. Hashtag Self-love!
More surprising is the departure of Sydney, the biracial Alabaman who Peter claimed was the best kisser. They seemed to be doing so well! People that I guess peruse Alabama high-school yearbooks (I assume it was Roy Moore) have noted that Hannah Brown and Sydney went to high school together. Sydney said she did not go to prom, but you can see her preparing for Homecoming Court with Hannah Beast, so she wasn’t shut out of dances altogether.
THE PLOT THICKENS. Yes I went to HS with them I didn’t buy these yearbooks off ebay😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/lADA6xE9UM
— jc me rollin (@jc_me_rollin_) February 4, 2020
There it is! We end the sixth episode with six women vying for Peter’s heart. We could be halfway done with the season (if some weird blog I write for is to be believed, there were 12 episodes in Colton’s season).