Thank you to Victor for taking the laboring oar last week. This week there will be two episodes. The first one has been identified by my DVR as The Men Tell All. AKA The Worst Episode Of Every Season. It is the losers in a room together (or not in a room together, depending on how seriously they are taking Covid) desperately trying to extend their fifteen minutes of fame. But, perhaps because many people hate TMTA, the show has started mixing in real show stuff. Also, we need to finish casting The Men Tell All by dumping some more dudes. When we left, Tayshia had eight guys and needed to cut it down to four. She was down to seven until Bennett tried to challenge his dumping. So I guess she has seven-and-a-half guys.
Chris Harrison shows up to Tayshia’s place to check in and let her know that his son is successfully deposited at college. I guess this is goodbye to JoJo for now. Maybe if we are lucky, she could come back to the show as a co-host or something?
Tayshia gets to try to explain to Chris Harrison that Bennett has been let go but has not left. The correct response is: “That’s funny! What kind of Ivy-League-educated asshole refuses to acknowledge getting dumped? What’s he doing? Filing stupid lawsuits with insane people play-acting as lawyers and concocting fever-dream conspiracies to be allowed to stay?”
So does this mean that Bennett’s campaign to be the next Bachelor starts right now?
Beardy Canada Blake One-on-one Date
Tayshia shows up to where the guys are chatting for her one-on-one date with Beardy Canada Blake. It doesn’t bode well for BCB that his date is shoehorned into the pre-show for the Men Tell All. It also doesn’t bode well for him that Tayshia clearly would have rather stayed with the other guys and BCB had to remind Tayshia that they were supposed to leave for a date. Just saying that if Tayshia is wearing Beardy Canada Blake’s engagement ring, it is purely a play for Canadian citizenship.
BCB and Tayshia meet Gita (sp?). She is your generic older-spirit-y lady and she’s here to talk crystals and chakras with these two. I think Gita might be Dutch, based on her accent. Also, Gita wants Beardy Canada Blake and Tayshia to “please disrobe.” Apparently that means swimsuits. I guess swimsuits don’t interfere with chakras. Also, Beardy Canada Blake does a lot of manscaping. He’s got a big hairy head on top of a hairless body.
This is a spoiler for later, but apparently BCB became, umm… visibly aroused during this date. They showed some film, with the black box of course, during the Men Tell All portion.
Weird lady: Come out to play little one.
Blake: I am so fired from my day job
— Ambrocio Mireles Jr (@amirelesjr) December 15, 2020
Tayshia sits on Blake in a position this show will forever know as the “Chase-JoJo yoga-date position.” That date seemed to have had much more sexual tension, which you can see below. I’d say NSFW, but, you know, 2020.
Tayshia says she didn’t see what she needed from BCB and adds “I wish we had more time” and “I think it’s time to go our separate ways.” Unclear how hometowns will work, but my understanding is that Canada will not let Tayshia and a camera crew cross the border right now. So perhaps it is for the best that they seemed to never have any actual romantic connection and that Blake looks like Thanos with a beard.
Tayshia cries after walking BCB out of the resort and depositing him in an SUV. Tayshia crying seems reasonable. She’s not sad to see BCB go so much as she is wrestling with the many harder decisions before her. But it is good validation for BCB, who we met when Clare identified him as “the one guy who broke the rules and reached out” to check on her before the show. Just a thoughtful Canadian animal-lover who will sculpt a penis out of clay, or grow one out of his shorts, if given the opportunity. See you in Paradise, BCB, and I suppose whenever the men start “telling all.”
Tayshia walks back to the assembled dudes, right past BCB’s suitcase filled with depilatories. She has a taste for blood now! She doesn’t, she is very emotional. She tells the remaining guys that things are very hard for her and she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Then she says “Riley, can we go talk.” Riley’s face and Amy yelling “oh shit!” suggest that Riley might soon be in a position to carry Blake’s suitcase to him in person.
Tayshia correctly notes that Riley really opened up to her and tells him she doesn’t want to put Riley “in that position” of having a hometown date. She says “I don’t want to lead you on.” Tayshia is actually pretty good at breaking up with Riley. Because Riley’s first question is “why keep me around so long?” Riley tells Tayshia: “in the end, it doesn’t matter, because the end was always the same. The longer I sit here, the longer I look at you, I hear you talk, see you smile, the more pain I feel. So, I get it. It just takes time, which I am out of. So I’m gonna go now.” Holy shit! Riley is also really good at getting dumped!
This is giving me Avon and Stringer’s last night on the balcony vibes – I’m just hoping Riley isn’t telling the limo driver to take him to see Brother Mouzone.
Riley’s exit is probably ensuring him a prime slot on the Men Tell All and a future in the Franchise if he wants it.
Already with a rose, Ben. A cocktail party and three more roses to go and… Bennett’s back. He walks in as if everything is fine, says to the other men that they “look like they’ve seen a ghost,” and sits down. Bennett tells the guys, including a surprisingly angry Zac C, that he never left because he and Tayshia had an emotional goodbye and then he found Tayshia, told her he loved her, and got invited to the Rose Ceremony. Bennett is not wearing a tie, oddly enough, and Noah is.
A much more welcomed return is Chris Harrison, though only because the guys don’t watch the show as closely as we do. If Chris Harrison is here, it is to say that the cocktail party is off because Tayshia has made up her mind. It seems pretty clear that Bennett and Noah should go home here, and also that Bennett and Noah could really spice up The Men Tell All, so… without further ado, the roses go to:
1. Ben (from the one-on-one date)
2. Zac C – who is super pumped about getting this rose. Here he is at his post-rose interview:
4. And the last rose goes to… Brendan
Hope they have separate limos for Bennett and Noah. Noah tells the guys to “treat her well” and sheds a tear in the limo. Bennett finds that getting dumped is easier the second time that week. I’m pretty sure that Bennett just became the first person in Bachelorette history to get two limo exits in the same season. And I confirmed this by thinking about this really hard for five seconds while drinking my sake, so, basically, the same rigorous fact-checking standards as Tucker Carlson.
The Men Telling All
We are on some soundstage surrounded by candles and a lot of guys sitting pretty far apart from each other. But it appears only eight of the guys made the trip back. Sad to not see Doctor Joe and… well, Joe was cool.
In better news for Dr. Joe, it’s vaccine release day everyone!!
Dr. Joe (assuming he’s back on duty treating Covid patients) will be one of the first to receive the FDA-approved vaccine. As to the rest of these guys on the couch, well, they’ll have to wait like the rest of us (except for Noah because he’s a nurse). I would hope “private wealth manager” and “spin-class instructor” aren’t among the essential employees to get priority, but I mean, Mike Pence is probably getting one of the first doses, so there isn’t real justice anyhow.
Present are: Noah, Bennett, Riley, Beardy Canada Blake, Jason (the football player), Demar (the Spin instructor), Ed (the weirdo), and Kenny (the boy-band manager, for some damn reason). Notably absent is Eazy, presumably for reasons we discussed in a previous recap.
A brief note before I start on my section of the recap – if you’re hoping for the Moby Dick of recaps, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I took about a ½ page of notes for the entire hour, so this will be more like the Animal Farm of our recaps – all recaps are equal, but this one is a little less equal than the others.
Chris Harrison goes through the beefs one-by-one, apparently in reverse order of interest because he gets to Ed v. Chasen first. I had forgotten who Chasen was until Ed reminded us that Chasen personifies 3 Fs: Fraud, Fake and Phony, and that while we know Phony starts with PH, Chasen is too dumb to know that. That’s a good burn, and Ed’s 800 Math SAT score allowed him to calculate that the odds of him getting blowback were lower because Chasen wasn’t there.
We rehash Bennett v. Noah again next, and the two repeat things they’ve said to each other, except Bennett corrects his claim that Noah is deficient in 3 of 4 areas of emotional intelligence. This guy, who’s definitely not a douchebag from Harvard, says Noah is actually deficient in all four areas. Good job Bennett, way to not come off as a douchebag when being accused of being a douchebag.
Noah throws shade at Kenny, all of it justified, but why the hell is Kenny there? Also, Noah calling him a “One Direction party boy manager” is likely a huge compliment to Kenny, who actually manages a cover band called “Boy Band Night.” He’s not a manager of a boy band, he manages a band called “Boy Band.” Gah.
You can see Kenny interviewed on local Chicagoland TV in this one:
So glad that we had the chance to see Kenny again, because somehow it never occurred to me to ask which band he managed. Also, post-vaccine, I would see Boy Band Night.
Chris Harrison gives both Bennett and Noah one final statement on their beef. Bennett apologizes for how he came across; and Noah says he can’t tell whether the apology was genuine and that he sees Bennett as an ostentatious Harvard douchebag – which Bennett definitely confirms in the credit roll when he serves smoothies to everyone, but gives Noah his smoothie in a baby sippy cup.
We get some recaps of funny moments, including Ed’s wine date with Chris Harrison, Blake’s erection date, and Kenny getting his pubic area waxed by Blake. But all of this is to cleanse the palate for the dog poop named Yosef who’s slated to appear next on stage.
We see the regrettable recap of his meltdown with Clare, and then Yosef defends his actions exactly how you expect an immature misogynist to defend his actions. He tries to first frame it as speaking out on behalf of those who were on the strip-dodgeball date, until he gets called out by the people who were actually on the strip-dodgeball date. And that’s when he resorts to ad hominem attacks – Yosef accuses others of not being man enough to express their opinions. When Chris Harrison asks whether Yosef would be okay with someone treating his daughter that way, Yosef says yes, if his daughter did something that warrants being called out. Chris Harrison asks whether he would apologize, and Yosef is like:
Okay dude, have fun sending your sexts around. Yosef is, by all appearances, as awful as he seemed in his brief time with Clare.
Tayshia comes out and explains how apprehensive she was about taking over for Clare, and how the guys made her feel welcome. She resolves the “breakups” with Noah and Bennett (and it was clear that they were only there because Tayshia couldn’t send them home earlier). But it was also clear that the only difficult one she had up to this point was with Riley, who seems to still be processing it. Riley talks about how big of a step he took in sharing what he shared about his family issues, and Tayshia reassures him that what he told her wasn’t the reason she sent him home, then lets Riley go to pursue the Bachelormance of his dreams.
We get bloopers of Clare eating and Tayshia swatting away flies, and we get previews of hometowns and fantasy suites that appear to have all been shot at La Quinta. So I guess Scott Atlas wasn’t in charge of Bachelor production after all.
See you tomorrow for hometowns!